Friendship, American Style: Part One
Do you wonder how to get to know Americans, or feel that it is difficult to meet them? Do you wonder what to talk about with your classmates or officemates, or when you go to social gatherings? The topic of friendship is one that everyone is interested in, but can be a bit difficult to describe. In this article, we will look at the experiences of some international and American students at Cornell and see how they relate to the topic of friendship.
Friendliness and Openness
A student from Japan was visited by her sister, and when they went to a department store, a clerk came over to them. "Hi!" she said, "How are you today?" Surprised, the sister asked: "Do you know her?" A student from Germany was confused that everyone was so nice and polite to her right away.
Americans are often very friendly and helpful to people that they do not know well, and they may also be more open in what they talk about than people from many other countries. This can be confusing to someone who comes from a country where people are initialy more reserved. An international student may also feel that Americans are superficial or are not good friends when this initial friendliness does not continue as friendship. A model of friendship referred to by Margaret Pusch, president of the National Association of International Educators, may help us understand some of the differences. Sometimes known as the "wall theory," it describes two patterns of friendship: one American and one found in many other countries.
| American | Other Countries |
The American pattern shows how Americans are initially very friendly and open: as symbolized by the first wall being very low. However, American values stress privacy and independence, and the walls become higher and higher before one reaches the stage of a good friendship (represented by the Xs in the center of the diagram). Thus, many international students are very happy when the American they meet is so friendly and open. However, when the American does not continue to act in a way that the international student expects of a friend, the international student is disappointed and confused. They may sometimes conclude that Americans are superficial and do not really know how to be friends. What the international student may not realize is that they have not yet reached the stage of being good friends with the American: they need to go over some "higher walls" before reaching the center and a good friendship. Alternatively, Americans living in a country where people are more reserved and not as initally friendly as in the US, may sometimes become discouraged about ever making friends in that country: they may feel that people in their host country are very unfriendly.
When meeting people from other countries, it may be helpful to keep this model in mind, or to think about what model might be used to describe your own country's patterns of friendship. It is also important to be aware that ways of getting to know someone may be different in different countries,and to try to avoid making judgements about the people of that country.