Friendship, American Style: Part Two
Expectations
A student from China said that her American friends got mad if she asked them to do too many things for her, so she always asked her Chinese friends. She said that in China, if your friend asked you to do something, and you had your own things to do, you did your friend's thing first. A student from Switzerland was asked if he and the American girl he was speaking to were friends. He said no, which insulted the girl, as she considered them to be friends. He told her that in Switzerland it took time to make friends, and that friendship really meant something.
Two important American values are privacy and independence. Thus, Americans may prefer to do something themselves rather than asking for help, as they do not want to impose on the other person's privacy. They may also expect others to do the same. This can create misunderstandings with people from societies with more interdependent relationships, who assume more obligation to friends.
In addition, expectations of friendship may be very different in various countries. Americans tend to use the word "friend" where people in some countries might use the word "acquaintance;" and they often have different types of friends: friends just to do activities with, close friends, and best friends. In some countries, people reserve the word "friend" for a few people who are very close.
Topics
What is considered an appropriate topic to talk about with friends or acquaintances can vary somewhat between countries. Many international students comment that they do not know how to start a conversation with Americans, because of a lack of shared background. When speaking to someone they do not know well, Americans tend to talk about fairly neutral topics and to look for similarities. Conversation generally begins with"small talk": people may discuss the weather, or the immediate situation (the class, professor, party, host, decorations, etc.) It might continue with questions or comments about common acquaintances, sports, movies, work or school. As they get to know someone better, Americans will gradually talk about increasingly personal topics.
Style
Regarding style, Americans frequently use "self-disclosure" about personal preferences or activities, and they often ask questions about someone's background or interests. They usually avoid potentially controversial topics, such as politics, religion, or opinions about certain social issues. Debate about politics tends to be less common in the US than in many countries, where people may be much more accustomed to analyzing and debating about politics or religion with both friends and acquaintances. When discussing current events, Americans may often begin with questions, rather than with strong opinions. Even between good friends, vigorous debate about controversial topics is uncommon: Americans often choose to focus on their similarities instead of their differences.
Conclusions
So, you may ask, how can I actually make friends? Here are a few suggestions:
- Don't be afraid to take the initiative: Start a conversation, show interest in others by asking questions, ask someone to go to lunch after class, or to go to a movie. Even if they can't go, once you have taken the initiative, they are much more likely to be open or to even invite you the next time.
- Be positive: Don't assume someone doesn't like you if they don't respond in a way that you expect, they may just be busy or preoccupied with school or work.
- Be informed: Read the Cornell Daily Sun, the Cornell Chronicle, the Ithaca Times, the Ithaca Journal, etc. This way you will be more aware of what is happening on campus and in the area. This may help create a more common background to start conversations and let you know what activities are going on.
- Take advantage of Cornell's international activities. Many Americans who have travelled or lived abroad particularly enjoy meeting people from other countries. Activities sponsored by the International Living Center, Language House, and various international clubs (such as the Scandinavian Club, the Japan-USA Society) are a good place to meet people who have an interest in other cultures.
- Take advantage of campus and area clubs and activities that sponsor activities that you enjoy: Sing in a chorus, take a pottery class or a dance class, participate in team sports. Sharing activities is a good way to meet people with common interests, which makes it is easier to become friends.
- Be aware that differences in expectations about making and having friends may sometimes be confusing or frustrating, and that misunderstandings or miscommunications may occur.
- Remember to be patient with yourself and others. Try to suspend your judgement, and don't take things too personally if you run into difficulties.
- Finally, relax, have fun, and realize that it takes time to make friends, no matter what country you are from!
©Alice Wu, November 1995, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY